16
Darlene loads Lorraine into the back of an Uber, gives her a kiss on her drunken forehead, slams the door and walks off without looking back, lights a cigarette as she strolls down a street that just happens to be laid in front of her. She passes a matching jean jacket couple making out on a park bench, a sun-drenched old man in a speedo whistling the star-spangled banner, a juggler taking a break sitting on his wood box reading his horoscope. She stops at an intersection, cigarette dangling, looks both ways.
“Where the hell’d you park Darlene?”
She wobbles into a convenience store, trips and catches herself against a Bubbilicious display, makes her way to the glass coolers in back, cracks a 32 oz High Life then heads back to the counter.
“You can’t smoke in here,” the man says pushing some buttons on his register.
She narrows her eyes, licks a five-dollar bill and sticks it to his forehead.
Outside the screaming profanities are muffled by the door slamming shut behind her. She smashes her cigarette with her ruby slipper, looks up at a clear blue sky to a single cloud hanging. Pulls out another Virginia Slim and watches it move closer, not floating, scooting, strangely, with a whirring mechanical sound. Its shadow darkens a park bench, a pack of cargo-shorted college students well-sunglassed in ball caps moving in packs, till it’s directly over her. A small tornado descends, furiously whirling, blowing the shorts off a woman behind her, whipping them down the street as Darlene shields her eyes with the crook of her arm, then…silence. She lights her half-torn cigarette, takes a long drag then blows it over the man standing before her.
A ring of fire dances around
his gold crowned head
black caterpillar mustache
wriggles on his face
elegant flowing robes of a thousand colored silks
squeezed by a goblin-headed belt buckle
A strange guitar
bulbous and made of wood
lets outs a curious plunking noise
as Jikoku-ten, The Heavenly King of the East
opens his mouth to speak
Before he has a chance, Darlene thrusts her beer in his chest, grabs the guitar, holds it like a baseball bat and takes a swing at a nearby newspaper stand, shatters it into a thousand pieces, tosses him the neck then takes her beer.
“Think you can get a decent burrito in this town?” The Heavenly King looks down at his broken guitar as Darlene turns to leave. “What are you waiting for a god damn invitation? C’mon.” He hurries after her making sure not to trip on his robe. Catches up as she rounds the corner. “Sorry ‘bout the gee-tar. Was that your ‘special weapon,’” she uses sarcastic finger quotes. “Sure got a lame one. Coulda had a flaming mace or a bow n’ arrow that turns people into snakes.” She stops in front of Lupita’s Mexican Food. “This looks good.” Slaps him on the back. “You’re buying!”
The Heavenly King sits across from her at a two-top crammed in the middle of the room. It’s crowded. Lunch rush. A woman in a red polo rushes around with a big tray, weaving in and out of customers. Jikoku-ten adjusts the lacey paper placemat so it’s centered with the table then looks at Darlene.
Red lips chewing on her fingernail
black sunglasses hiding mascaraed eyes
she disappears behind the plastic picture menu
the colored boas behind her
hang nail to nail
draped across the popcorned ceiling
as she holds up two fingers
mouthing, ‘margaritas’
to a small Mexican woman across the room
“I’d get the fish.” Lowers her menu. “Do you even eat? What do I know? Maybe you’re some kind of specter that lives off the pain of pregnant women.” Leans in. “Or can you get down on some enchiladas?” Before he has time to answer the waitress is there with the margaritas, first wiping the table then setting down two cactus stemmed goblets. Darlene takes a long sip. “So you’re here to take me back to hell.”
The Heavenly King opens his mouth to explain but the waitress returns with chips and salsa, pulls out her pad.
“Ready?”
“You go,” she says picking her menu back up. Jikoku-ten shakes his head. ”You’re not going to have ANYTHING? You should try the chilaquiles. He’ll have the chilaquiles and I want a beef chimichanga and some more salsa for these chips.” The waitress takes the menus. “You were saying?”
The Heavenly King runs his hand across his face feeling his big black mustache, traces it down with his fingers.
“My name is Jikoku-ten. I use my pipa,” he says lifting the broken neck of his guitar, “to bring people to the eternal truths of Buddhism NOT as a weapon.”
“Oh,” Darlene says popping a chip in her mouth. “Sorry.”
“I’m not here to bring you back to ‘hell’,” he uses her sarcastic air quotes. “I was ordered by The Jade Emperor to find Monkey and his companions and bring them to the royal court in heaven, so they may be properly judged.”
“Hmph,” Darlene looks around the room. “Surprised that little hairy ape hasn’t shown up yet.”
Jikoku-ten’s face turns white.
“He’s…here?”
She watches the panic melt over him.
“That face,” she slurps her Margarita, “Jade Emperor seems like a dick if you ask me. What’s he look like anyway? Imagine some kinda floating green head or is he like the rest of you, all robes and hats and weird belt buckles like someone threw a bunch of fancy shit in the wash and it came out stuck together?” Another sip and the drink is gone. “How long it take to get ready in the morning? No wonder the world’s a mess. God’s spend all their time accessorizing.” Looks him up and down. “Lemme try that hat on.”
“You want my crown?” He touches it lightly. “But…I’m the Heavenly King of the East.”
“What are you saying? You take the crown off and you’re not you anymore? Give it here.” She snatches it off his head, holds it in both hands turning so she can see all the details in the filigree. “I crown myself in the name of Spain!” The crown rests slightly tilted on her bouffant blond hair as she drains the last drops from her cactus goblet then starts crunching the ice. “You were saying?”
The Heavenly King looks at the Margarita.
”Oh, what the hell.” Takes a long drink, wipes the salt off his mustache, relaxes a bit. “He’s not a floating head. He’s a man, or, was a man. A great one…back then. He was a soldier. It’s a long story. I’m sure you’re not interested.”
“I’m not.” Jikoku-ten looks slightly dejected. Darlene throws her hands in the air. “Oh for heaven’s sake. Tell me ‘bout him. All you heavenly beings are so god-damned sensitive.”
He takes a drink, licks a bit of the salt off the rim of the glass.
“He was a great man,” reaches for some chips. “I don’t know if you know Mara?”
“The little girl?”
“That’s his daughter. He tried to conquer Heaven. A long time ago. Flew up with his demon army to the great gates and defeated the gods, the immortals, everyone. They all ran. The Jade Emperor was a soldier then. He gathered his forces, led the last charge, beat back Mara, sent him to Hell and was crowned The Jade Emperor.”
Darlene mulls this over.
“Where does one get a demon army?”
“You’re making fun of me aren’t you?”
“A lady’s got to keep her options open. Can’t be a waitress forever you know.”
“Forget it.”
“I’m listening. I’m listening. It’s just that…are you telling me your God ain’t nothing but a title?”
“That’s right. There was a Jade Emperor before him and there will be a Jade Emperor when he dies. He’s the ruler the heaven. He didn’t make this,” he says waving his hand around.
“Oh, so he’s not responsible for Lupita’s?”
“Not exactly.”
“But he gets to judge her anyway?”
“Once a year.”
“And how does that work?”
“What do you mean?”
“You get on the naughty list and then what? He sends down some goons to break your leg or does he just blink his eyes like I Dream of Genie and suddenly you have hepatitis?”
“It’s complicated.”
“Hmmph.” The waitress comes back with the food, clears the table of the empty drinks. “Two more please.” Takes a bite of her chimichanga. “I’ve heard stories,” takes a scoop of salsa and drops it on her fried cheese. “I dated a man that told me plenty ‘bout him. Not as you described. But I’ve heard stories.” Dips a chip in her beans.
“What’ve you heard?”
“I’ve heard he’s got a temper. I’ve heard he’s a sadistic son of a bitch. Heard he get ‘The Melon’.”
“The what?”
She points her fork to her head.
“The Melon. You know what I’m talkin’ bout.”
“I have no idea what you're talking about.”
“All pompous and full of himself. Makes your head swell up. What’s the word?” She points her fork at him. “Hubris.” Takes another bite of her chimichanga. “There’s a four-dollar word to go with your twelve dollar chilaquiles. Hard not to get The Melon when you’re surrounded by little suck-ups trying to scrap their way closer to that ring of power those elves warned us ‘bout.” She slams her empty Margarita on the table. “YOU SHALL NOT PASS!” People in the restaurant turn to stare. She points her fork back at him. “You got The Melon too. Laying out your title. I’m the blah blah blah of the South.”
“East.”
“Whatever. The man with three names.”
“Sounds like someone’s jealous.”
The waitress comes back with two more drinks.
“Jealous?”
“I’m a king,” he says pointing to his crownless head.
“What are you the king of exactly?”
“The East.”
“The general direction of East?”
“That’s right.”
“But everything’s east of something.”
“It’s complicated.”
“Mmm hmm.” She stretches. “Hate to pause this conversation when we’re so close to breaking through the mysteries of life but I got to use the lady’s room.” Leans in closer. “I have to pee.” Leans back. “So as we’re clear.” Puts her hands up. “I ain’t gonna run off or nuthin’. Stay here and think those heavenly thoughts of yours.” Scoots her chair out. “BRB.”
Darlene walks to the back, finds the waitress who’s hanging out by the kitchen texting her boyfriend.
“Hey honey. That man sitting there’s turning 40 so if you could bring out some fried ice cream or a cupcake with a candle or a sparkler or whatever that’d be great. Could you do that for me?” She stuffs a twenty in her hand then hightails it to the bathroom and locks the door.
She climbs on top of the toilet and examines the small window that looks out to the parking lot, tries to open it but it’s painted shut. She takes the crown and smacks it against the glass. The second blow cracks it and the third smashes it completely. She clears the jagged bits out then pulls herself through, her head poking out into the parking lot as she squirms halfway before she can’t squirm anymore.
“Fuck.” She wiggles around but can’t get her belly through. Thrashes a few more times before giving up and laying her head on her arms. A family of four leaving the restaurant walks to their car. “Pssst. Could you help a lady out?”
The father cranes his neck, see’s Darlene in the window, opens the door for his wife and kids before walking over.
“If you could just,” Darlene lifts her hand up, “give me a pull.”
The man starts tugging as his wife rolls down the window a bit.
“Brett, what’s going on?”
“I don’t know,” he says distractedly. “This woman is stuck.”
“How did she get in the window?”
“I don’t know Barbara! I haven’t asked her yet.”
The window rolls all the way down.
“Well, you should ask her. I don’t know why you think it’s ok to start pulling strange women out of windows.”
He turns toward her.
“Because that’s the kind of man I am Barbara. I pull women out of windows without asking questions. Is that ok with you?”
Barbara is quiet, then, “I can’t believe you’re doing this in front of the children.”
The Heavenly King of the East walks up behind him, a muffin with a sparkler in one hand, his second margarita in the other. Brett bends over to pull her again but she waves him away.
“Forget it. Go on. Get.”
Brett looks confused, turns to see Jikoku-ten, makes some quick calculations then walks to his car and gets in. Darlene lifts her head, smiles, points to his margarita. He crouches down, hands it to her as she takes a long drink then sets it on the hot asphalt.
“All right,” she says wiping her mouth. “Take me to heaven.”
In no time they are standing at the Eastern Gates, the gold bars rising out of the clouds ending in a flourish of fancy spikes. Jikoku-ten adjusts his slightly bent crown then steadies himself by grabbing onto her arm.
“Shit,” he says balancing himself. “I might be a little drunk.”
“You get a lot of people trying to break into heaven?” she asks swinging the gate open and closed. “I’ve broken into apartment complexes that have better security than this.”
“Not usually.” She pulls a cigarette from her purse. “Hey, you can’t smoke here.”
“You can’t smoke in heaven?”
“No. Why would you…”
“You can’t smoke in hell. You can’t smoke in heaven. Where’s a lady supposed to smoke?” She lights it. “Doesn’t everybody live in a big ol’ mansion where you get to fuck off and party? I mean, what’s the point of heaven if you can’t have fun?” Darlene pulls a Virginia Slim from her pack, pops it in his mouth and lights him up, reaches in her purse, pulls out her High Life and takes a swig. “Now show me ‘round. I wanna see the whole damn thing,” thrusts her elbow out for him to grab, as they walk arm and arm through the heavenly gates.
“This is the entrance,” he says waving his arm almost hitting her in the face. “There’s lots of clouds and stuff. Lots of clouds. It goes on like this for a while.”
“Interesting. Why so many clouds?”
“I don’t know. We’re high up?”
“Got it. What’s next?”
“More clouds. It’s like this for…ok, here we go. There’s the path to the Jade Emperor’s stables. He has a lot of horses. You know rich people and their horses. It’s just something that happens after you get a certain amount of money. What else can I spend my money on? Oh, I know. I’ll buy a horse.”
Jikoku-ten trips over his robe. Darlene catches him and pulls him back up.
“Woah, buddy. Easy now.”
“This is the peach garden. The path to the peach garden. That’s where the immortal peaches are kept.” He holds up a finger to her face. “But you better not eat them or ELSE.” She grabs his finger. He grabs her hand and she grabs his hand.
“Whatcha going to do now Jiko? You gonna stop me from eating those peaches?”
“Don’t eat them! She’ll be mad at me.”
Darlene lets him go.
“I like you Jiko. You’ve finally loosened up a bit.”
“Don’t eat those peaches,” he says pushing her a bit with his hands then, “You’re pretty.”
“Ok, Casanova. Let’s focus on the tour.”
“Right.” He gives a hard nod. “There’s the royal court building,” he says pointing. “That’s where heavenly stuff happens, and that’s where Lao Tzu used to live, and there’s some other stuff over there and, that’s about it.”
“Not the greatest tour guide in the world are you? I mean, where’s the pool?”
“Pool?”
“You telling me there’s no pool in heaven where you can hang out and drink and look over the side and see everything down there?”
“There’s The Heavenly Jade Pool but no one’s allowed to go in there or else.” He turns toward her. “I like you.” He leans in for a kiss. Darlene palms his face. Pushes him to the ground.
“Let’s just get to know each other a bit before you do something like that.” She puts her hands on her hips and looks around. “Are you meaning to tell me this is it?”
Jikoku-ten picks himself off the ground.
“Pretty much.”
“And how long has this been here?”
“Millions of years I think.”
“Millions of years. You know how many red necks’ve built above-ground pools in their backyards in, I don’t know, a summer, and you guys, with your infinite heavenly wisdom haven’t found the time to build one lousy swimming pool?”
“You really like pools,” the Heavenly King of the East says. “Let’s build a pool.”
“You wanna build a pool with me?”
“Sure. Let’s do it right now.”
Darlene holds his face in her hands and smiles.
“You’re not so bad Jiko even if you did kidnap me and take me to heaven.”
“I’m a king,” he says reaching up to touch his crown feeling the dent. “But you’re a tricky one,” he says pointing.
“But you caught me didn’t you?”
“I did. I caught you,” he says trying to pinch her cheeks.
Darlene smacks him and he falls over.
“I’m drunk.”
“I know you are. C’mon Jiko. Build me that pool.”
He pulls himself up.
“I can do this,” then looking at Darlene. “I’m magic.”
“Let’s see some of that magic, baby.”
“You wanna see?” He pulls up his sleeves and wiggles his fingers. “I’m gonna make a pool right where you’re standing.”
A pool materializes as Darlene falls in laughing, holds her arm up to keep her cigarette from getting wet. Jikoku-ten walks quickly over.
“No running!” Darlene yells. “This is a pool!”
“I’m not running. I’m walking quickly.”
“Walk slower,” she says talking a drag. He walks at a normal pace. “Slower!” Darlene yells. He moves in slow motion. Each step takes a few seconds. “Slower!”
“I can’t move slower,” he says. “I can’t move any slower than this.”
“You’re magic. You can do whatever you want.”
“That’s right,” he wiggles his fingers, but before he can finish, he trips over the edge and falls in, stays underneath then bobs up in a big splash. “I like you,” he says dog-paddling over.
She swats him again and swims to the other side.
“How bout some music?”
A stereo appears. She hops out dripping, turns the knobs and dials till she hears, “One, Two, Three, Four”. Starts playing an invisible guitar, dancing along the edge as a man starts to sing,
“She don't wear no pants, she don't wear no tie
Always on the ball, she's always on strike
Struttin' up the aisle, big deal you get to fly
You ain't nothin' but a waitress in the sky
You ain't nothin' but a waitress in the sky”
The Heavenly King pulls himself out, undoes his goblin belt buckle, his robe, soaking, falls to the ground as he chases Darlene around the pool. He catches her and she twirls him around, grabs his hands swinging her hips trying to move him along. She spins him then drops him in the pool.
“Sanitation expert and a maintenance engineer
Garbage man, a janitor and you my dear
A real union flight attendant, my oh my
You ain't nothin' but a waitress in the sky”
The song ends and she splashes back in the pool.
“All this dancin’ made me hungry again. Got any ribs ‘round here?”
“We’re not allowed!” he says splashing.
“Not allowed! You’re the Heavenly King of the East.”
“Shhh! No meat.”
“You ever eaten meat before?” He shakes his head. “Well don’t knock it till you tried it, right?”
He wiggles his fingers and a rack of ribs appears in his hands. Darlene pulls some off and feeds it to him, takes some for herself. A group of heavenly soldiers round the corner and stop at the edge of the pool that’s materialized in the middle of the main road. The Heavenly King of the East sees them, drops the ribs in the pool, salutes.
“This is Darlene and these….are some soldiers.” He looks over to her then loudly whispers. “I don’t know their names.”
“You’re so bad,” she says splashing him.
The captain steps forward.
“The Jade Emperor is expecting you.”
“Lil old me?” Darlene says putting her hand on her chest.
The captain reaches in and grabs Jikoku-ten underneath his armpits and pulls him out. The other three try to grab Darlene but she swims to the middle of the pool.
“You’re gonna have to get wet if you wanna catch me.”
The soldiers, wade in and corner her as she splashes, picks up the wet ribs floating towards the bottom of the pool and tries to rub it in their faces then eventually gives up and is carried like dead weight, soaking and screaming and cussing, as they heave her into the heavenly royal chambers, the immense golden doors slamming shut behind her.